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Saturday, 19 December 2009

  • Christmas Songs that are Annoying

         Well, it's that time of year.  Yes, it's the time of year where Christmas songs are all over the radio and in the stores.  The thing about Christmas songs is that they are incredibly repetitive.  It seems like the play the same Christmas songs over and over and over and over again.  Every once in a while there's a new Christmas song, but most of the Christmas tunes on the radio today were written by the dinosaurs.  You gotta admit that the dinosaurs were fairly evolved if they were able to write Christmas songs.  Anyway, some of these songs get annoying after a while.  So lets go ahead and roll that beautiful bean footage:
    • Santa Claus is Coming to Town - Santa Claus is a stalker.  Why is Santa always watching me?  I'm not that interesting.  Besides, what is this song teaching the kiddies?  That some fat guy in the North Pole is always watching them?  How does Santa watch all the kids of the world all of the time?  He must have some great tracking equipment.  So why does he waste his time watching kids when Bowser keeps stealing the Princess.  I've come to the conclusion that the Mushroom Kingdom should hire Santa to guard the Princess.  If Santa is unavailable, then they can get the band The Police to do it.  The point is, don't get a Chia Pet for Christmas.
    • I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - I saw daddy file for divorce the next day.  As if stalking everyone in the world wasn't enough, Santa goes and adds insult to injury by cheating on his wife with other married women.  Lets see, Santa stalks little children and kisses their mommies.  Why is he not in prison?
    • Jingle Bell Rock - Now, you may be familiar with Jingle Bells, the song where Batman needs a shower, Robin is about the experience avian motherhood, and the Joker escapes, forms a band, and changes his name to Steve Miller.  Well, there's a rock version of it.  I use the term rock loosely because there's not much rock in Jingle Bell Rock.  Now, I understand that the song was made a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away when rock was just beginning.  However, the song has been covered 396,784,586 times since it was created.  Certainly someone covering it could put a kick-ass guitar solo in it or something.  I mean, if this song can have a guitar solo, they why can Jingle Bell Rock?  You know what song lacks a guitar solo?  The infamous rick roll.  I'll let you draw your own conclusions.
    • We Wish You a Merry Christmas - What the hell is figgy pudding and why should I give you some?
    • Any song about snow or winter weather - These songs may be fine in certain area, but for those of us who live below a certain latitude they are completely inaccurate.  It never snows here during Christmas time.  Get cold weather?  Of course.  Rain?  You bet.  Tornadoes?  It's been known to happen  Snow?  Wait till March and it may or may not happen (and in recent years it's happen less often than not).
    • It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year - That's debatable.  I say summer is a better time of year.  This time of year it's cold and rainy and there's too many people in the stores trying to kill each other over those motorized hamsters that are popular this year for some reason.  Summer, on the other hand, includes warm weather, roller coaster, and women in bikinis.  I'll take roller coasters and bikinis over fighting over motorized hamsters any day.
    • Frosty the Snowman - Am I the only one who thinks that flamethrowers would make this song more interesting?
    • The Little Drummer Boy - I don't recall there being a drummer boy in the Bible during Jesus' birth.  If there was, I would've learned about him is Sunday school.  Granted, they may have taught about him in Sunday school while I was busy sleeping.  You see, I always slept during school, and Sunday school was no exception.  Why do they have school on Sunday anyway?  That's a question I pondered many of times in my youth.  Actually, if there really was a little drummer boy in the Bible, I probably would've been paying attention because drums are cool.  Think about it, if Phil Collins' In the Air Tonight didn't have that drum solo toward the end, would it have been as cool?  I rest my case.
    • The Christmas Tree by Lady Gaga - I listened to this song the other day as it was posted on thetheologiancafe's site.  At first I thought it was a novelty song, but upon further research I learned that this is not the case.  It really is a terrible song.  And that's all I want to say about it.  The point is, don't get me a Chia Pet for Christmas
        Well, that's all I have for today.  Until next time, remember that half of the population in the world may not be below average if there are a few statistical outliers.

Wednesday, 09 December 2009

  • What's the Deal With the Mario Bros. Anyway?

         So the other day I was at Game Stop (I know, I know) when I played the New Super Mario Bros. Wii for the first time ever.  Being a seasoned Mario player myself, I was able to breeze through the easy levels without any problems.  Yes, I've heard a lot about this game, as it is Mario's triumphant return to consoles in 2-D.  Now, he did star in the awesome New Super Mario Bros. for the Nintendo DS, but that's a portable system and not a console.  Anyway, I got to thinking, isn't Mario getting a bit old for adventuring?  I mean, his first adventure, Donkey Kong, was in 1981.  Now it's what, 2009?  That's a 28 year time span.  Now, we're never told his age,but he looks like he's at least in his thirties.  He's had a similar look for the past 28 years, so lets assume that in 1981 he was thirty years old.  If that's the case, then in 2009 he would be 58 years old.  How in the hell is still able to adventure?  Yeah, yeah, I know, 58's the new 46.  Still, I would think that he wouldn't be as flexible today as he was in 1981.  Not to mention that he's been overweight the whole time.  All that weight should really reduce his mobility to walking and hopping, not running and jumping and doing back flips.  But I guess he keeps himself in shape by playing tennis, golfing, and teaching typing.  Besides, he has to keep in shape as the fate of the princess seems to be in his hands quite often.
         Speaking of the princess, why does she not have better security surrounding her?  I mean, she's freakin' royalty and all.  Yet, how many times has she been kidnapped?  Where's the Mushroom Kingdom's Department of Homeland Security at when it's needed?  Why is there no constant surveillance of the castle?  Now, you might be thinking that the Mushroom Kingdom is understaffed, but that doesn't fly.  After all, they seem to have enough of the toadstool guys to inform Mario that the princess is in another castle.  Why can't they be used to protect the princess from being held captive in another castle anyway?  Why can't I shoot those toadstool guys with my Zapper?  I can shoot ducks with my Zapper, but I can't shoot those toadstool guys or that annoying dog from duck hunt with it.  Why is there no justice in the world?  And why does Bowser have so many castles?
         Well, that was a conveniently segue to my next topic: why is Bowser so obsessed with the princess?  And why does he need all those castles if the princess can only be in one castle at a time?  And how the hell does Bowser get all that money to buy all that real estate involved with building castles then have enough money left over to actually get the castles built?  And how does he have kids?  The only explanation I can come up with in regards to his children is that he must've been married to a female of whatever the hell his species is.  That would make sense, as they would only be married long enough to have the seven Kooplings.  Then his wife probably left him.  After all, if I were Bowser's wife, I'd dump his ass too.  After all, Bowser is obsessed with a princess of another species, he blows his money on castles that serve no practical purposes, he has anger issues and is always trying to kill overweight Italian plumbers, and he plays golf on the weekends.  Really, who would stay through all that?  Exactly.  Now, he did have Bowser Jr. later on, but Bowser Jr. could be a bastard child, much like this post being a bastard child of Hardestlevel and Datingish.  However, that still doesn't explain how he gets his money.  I believe he is doing some lowlife activity, like pimping, drug dealing, or being a corporate executive.  As for his love for the princess, well he might just be a sick son of a bitch who's into bestiality.  Well, that's all I have for today.  Until next time, remember that Tony the Tiger > Tiger Woods.

Saturday, 05 December 2009

Thursday, 03 December 2009

Wednesday, 02 December 2009

  • Christmas Gifts You Should Think Twice Before Buying

         Well, I'm back on here after a week of limited internets capabilities.  While I was gone, Thanksgiving happened.  Then Black Friday happened.  Now, the Christmas season is in full swing.  Oh sure, stores have been advertising for Christmas since mid-September or so, but in reality (or maybe just in my mind) the Christmas season doesn't begin until after Thanksgiving.  Since today's the first of December, I thought it would be appropriate to focus on Christmas, particularly the gift giving aspect.  Now, we all know that the main reason for the season is to give and receive presents.  Well, it's really supposed to be about the birth of Jesus, but the holiday is so commercialized that the religious aspect is pushed to the back burner.  Anyway, presents are extremely important in the modern Christmas experience.  Thus, it is important to give a good gift.  The following is a list (because I am a crappy writer) of gifts that are not always a good idea to give.  If it is the thought that counts, then I gotta wonder what the people who give the following gifts were thinking.  So without further ado, I present gifts you should think twice before buying:
    • Chia Pets - Despite what the commercials say, Chia Pets do not make a wonderful gift.  I don't think I've ever met anyone who enjoy Chia Pets.  Those who enjoy Chia Pets must be out there though.  After all, they keep advertising Chia Pets on television.  Or perhaps Chia Pets continue to get made because people buy them as a half-ass last minute Christmas gift.  The point is, don't get me a Chia Pet for Christmas.
    • Gym Membership/Equipment - If any gift hits below the belt, it is the gym membership or gym equipment.  The person who is giving the gift is not so subtly telling the recipient that he or she is larger than most safari animals.  There are better ways to break it to a loved one that they are getting a little pudgy around the waistline than giving them a Christmas gift that they would probably find insulting.  The point is, don't get me a Chia Pet for Christmas.
    • Christmas Stuff - The temptation to get something Christmassy for a friend or loved one is certainly there, as the stores tend to start selling Christmas stuff in September.  However, while the ornament that you get your friend may look good, they won't be able to use it for another year, and that's no fun.  Perhaps the exception to this rule is Christmas Specials on DVD, which can be watched on Christmas day and then forgotten about until spring cleaning 2015.  Of course, if the Christmas special in question is the Star Wars Christmas Special, then it is still a bad gift idea.
    • Lottery Tickets - I wrote about this last year, but if you weren't reading my blog last year: shame on you.  Anyway, the crux of my argument on last year's post was that lottery tickets are a horrible Christmas present because most of the time the lottery tickets are losers.  Thus giving lottery tickets as a gift is often times the same as not giving a gift at all.  What's worse is if the lottery ticket hits big.  Stuff like that can end friendships.  A gift that can end friendships is not much of a gift at all.
    • Gift Cards - In an economy where there are more "store closing" signs in any given area than "help wanted" signs, getting a gift card to say Sears might not be a good idea because Sears may not exist in a few months time.  Thus the gift card becomes little more than an useless piece of plastic in a wallet.  Oh, and remember that if Sears doesn't make it through the recession that I predicted it right here on my blog. 
    • Snuggie - No explanation needed.
    • Snuggie for Dogs - Some people feel compelled to give their dogs Christmas gifts.  This is to make the humans happy, because Rover doesn't even know what Christmas is.  I would imagine that the Snuggie for Dogs would be a popular gift for those that have so much money that they'll buy Rover a present.  Poor Rover will be stuck with a gift he'll certainly hate.  If you're a man and you give Rover a Snuggie for Dogs for Christmas, you very manhood may be at stake as Rover will probably bite you in the crotch. 
    • Crappy Pharmacy Toys - Nothing says you got little Johnny's Christmas present at the very last minute than a crappy toy from the local pharmacy.  To add injury to insult, the crappy toys at the pharmacy tend to be overpriced and found cheaper elsewhere.
    • Going Rogue by Sarah Palin - There are cheaper forms of toilet paper available.  Oh sure, you could read the book, but who really wants to read the mindless ranting of a woman whose ego is far larger than her brain?
         Well, these are some gifts that might not be a good idea to give.  Do you know any other crappy gifts that one should avoid giving?  If so, let us all know via comment.  Until next time, remember that the point is, don't get me a Chia Pet for Christmas.

Saturday, 21 November 2009

  • The Adentures of Jimbimbob (Part 2)

    [Note: if you haven't read part one I suggest that you read that first before continuing.  You can read part one here.  -Rob of the Sky]

         Jimbimbob's favorite customer had finally reached the front of Jimbimbob's checkout line.  As Jimbimbob rang up the Chinese-made crap that his employer sells, his favorite customer strikes up a conversation.
         "Nice weather we're having today" sarcastically stated the customer.
         "Yeah, tell me about it" Jimbimbob retorted wittingly.
         "So how are you?" the customer inquired nonchalantly.
         "I'm hanging in there" Jimbimbob boringly stated.
         "Good to hear" the customer scriptly retorted.
         "Ya know" Jimbimbob observes "We've been talking to each other every week for about a year or so, but I don't think we know each other's names".
         "Yeah, I've noticed that" the customer replies with a new realization.
         "Well, my name's Jimbimbob.  Your total comes up to $25.64" Jimbimbob proclaims.
         "Nice to meet you, Jimbimbob.  My name is Daisy" Daisy exclaims while handing Jimbimbob her money.
         "Daisy.  That's a pretty name"  Jimbimbob awkwardly stated while handing Daisy her change.
         "Yeah it is.  And Jimbimbob's an...interesting name.  I would like to know more about that name, but I don't want to hold up the line" Daisy rapid exclaimed while writing something on a piece of paper.  "Here's my number.  Call me when you get the chance and we can continue this conversation".
         Daisy hands Jimbimbob the paper containing her number and leave the store.  Jimbimbob is happy that he finally knows her name and even has her number.  He was so happy that he was able to deal with the rude customers that he frequently has to deal with much better than usual.  He even didn't mind that he had to drive home in the rain or that he was unable to get rid of his hangnail.  When he got home, he thought about calling Daisy, but figured that he would seem too desperate if he called her that evening.  So he went to the ultimate source of advice, the internet, to figure out when the best time to call he would be.  The advice he got the most was to wait three days to call her.  So he decided to wait out that long three day wait.
         The next day, Rob of the Sky was sitting in his multimillion dollar mansion when he got a call on his late-90's model cell phone that has all the features of cell phones like the ability to talk to people far away and weighs in at a portable three pounds, and that's about all the features it has.  He answers the phone to find out that it's his arch nemesis, Cornyman, calling.
         "Hello Captain Uncool" Cornyman hissed with venom in his voice "I have stolen 10 percent of the world's supply of floss".
         "You're evil" Rob of the Sky exclaims aggravatedly.
         "Ha ha" Cornyman chuckles evilly "If you want to rescue the 10 percent of the world's supply of floss, meet me at my lair with $500,000 within two hours, or suffer a slight increase in the price of dental floss".
         Cornyman hangs up.  As an advocate of dental hygiene, Rob of the Sky is firmly against an increase of the price of floss and he doesn't negotiate with evildoers.  So Rob of the Sky changes into the Captain Cool costume, hops into his Bentley, and proceeds to kick some butt.  Captain Cool arrives to Cornyman's lair to find Cornyman cackling evilly while stroking his pet cat.  Cornyman asks "Ah, Captain Uncool, I see your pathetic self made it.  Did you bring me the money?"  Rob of the Sky proudly exclaims "Ha!  You think I'd just give you the money?  I don't cave in to evildoers' demands".  Cornyman replies "Well, I didn't really want to do this, oh wait I did.  I now have to expose you to your weakness: Barney the Dinosaur".  Cornyman plugs his ears with super strong ear plugs and starts blasting Barney's "I love you" song.  The terribleness of that God-awful song causes Captain Cool to pass out.
         Two days later, Jimbimbob went to work as usual.  The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and Jimbimbob had waited his three days.  Jimbimbob was in a good mood because today was the day that he could call Daisy and continue their conversation from three days ago.  Jimbimbob went to work as usual and had to deal with his usual variety of customers, from the calm people who were in good moods, to the rude people who were angry over a slight increase in the price of dental floss, to the parents who let their kids run wild in the store and the parents who felt the need to spank their kids every time they did something the parents didn't approve of.  None of these customers could bring Jimbimbob down today.  After a long day at work, Jimbimbob made his way home.  When he got there, he decided to go ahead and call Daisy.  Suddenly he got extremely nervous.  He started to think thoughts like "what if she isn't home" and "what if she doesn't want to talk to me because I took too long to call her".  He slowly dialed her number, getting ever more nervous by the second and kept thinking more "what if's".  Finally, he dialed all the numbers in her phone number and anxiously awaited what wa to happen.  He heard the first ring.  He was getting even more nervous.  Then he heard the second ring and he was so nervous that he was shaking. Then the third ring happened and someone answered the phone.

    To Be Contiuned...

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

Sunday, 15 November 2009

  • 25 Random Facts About Rob of the Sky

         So I got tagged by a bajillion Xangans to do the whole "25 facts about yourself" thingie that's currently spreading faster than the swine flu.  So here goes:

    1. I don't like doing these things.
    2. I really don't like doing these things.
    3. I loathe doing these things.
    4. I would rather eat ice cream made from dog "chocolate" than do these things.
    5. I'd rather have sand paper rubbed all over my ass than do these things.
    6. I'd rather pee lava than do these things.
    7. I'd rather swim in a pool filled with pee than do these things.
    8. I'd rather have my head blown off by a cannon than do these things.
    9. I'd rather listen to the *shutters* Jonas Brothers than do these things.
    10. I think we're all tired of my Angry Video Game Nerd shtick.
    11. Um
    12. I breathe
    13. That's unique, right?
    14. No?
    15. I thought I was the only one who breathed.
    16. Fine, I also pee.
    17. Usually more than once a day.
    18. And my pee is sometimes yellow.
    19. Have I made it to 25 yet?
    20. No?
    21. I was legally able to drink when I was 21.
    22. I hate getting 22 when I play Blackjack.
    23. Cause that means I busted.
    24. I'm going to start my own amusement park, with blackjack and hookers.
    25. I'm going to tag all of you just to piss you off.

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

  • Rob of the Sky's Guide to Modern Day Coin Collecting

         So the other day I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.  To get to said hockey game, I used public transit for part of the trip because A) Traffic is horrible after the game B) I was meeting a friend before the game and he lived near a transit station and C) It's cheaper to take public transportation than to pay for overpriced parking at the arena.  While at the train station, I had to buy a round trip pass that cost like $4.50.  Well I didn't have enough ones or a five, so I had to use a ten to purchase the pass.  I slid my ten into the machine and got my pass and my change...in mostly useless dollar coins.  Yes, I got some of those new dollar coins with the presidents on them.  Having received a new penny with a scene from Lincoln's life a couple of days prior to this, I knew it was a sign from (insert favorite deity here) that I should write about modern coin collecting on here.  Ya see, in the past decade or so the government has been printing various special designs for many of its coin denominations, from the 1 cent penny to the 1 dollar coins.  So without further ado, I'm going to talk about the various special designs from the past decade in the order of which they first appeared:
    • The 50 State Quarters - I remember when the first state quarters came out.  The kids at my school, including myself, were collecting these new quarters of what few states were out at the time.  It was even more exciting because my state was one of the first five coins available in 1999, which was the first year of the program.  The interesting thing was that coin collecting became popular because of the 50 state quarter program, especially among younger people.  Before the 50 state quarter program, coin collecting was mostly done by older guys with too much time on their hands.  The 50 state quarter program brought the hobby from impotent old guys to just about everyone, even spanning a whole industry of map boards in which to place the quarters.  In fact, there were two things most kids were collecting back in 1999: state quarters and Pokemon cars (of which I could write a whole blog post about in and of itself).  By 2001, most people were collecting neither.  And coin collecting went back to the domain of old guys with too much time and money.
    • The Lewis and Clark Nickels - There's not much to say about this program.  I believe the coins were released to celebrate the 200th year anniversary of Lewis' and Clark's famous journey out west.  Now, Journey would be an interesting subject for coins.  Alas, we have to deal with Lewis and Clark instead (not to be confused with Lois and Clark of Superman fame).  This particular series kinda fell under the radar and never really found the success that the 50 state quarter program had.  Nevertheless, there was a nickel in the series that has a buffalo on the tales side that got some attention because it was similar to the buffalo head nickel of yore, which is apparently really popular amongst coin collectors.
    • The Presidents Dollar Coins - This series was released to try to capitalize on the popularity of the 50 state quarter program, and to get people to spend dollar coins.  So far, it has failed in both respects.  It has generated some controversy, though.  I first heard of the program via complains that "In God We Trust" was removed from the coins.  Four points related to that: 1) the phrase was placed on the side of the coins 2) Nobody uses dollar coins 3) I don't think people are thinking of God when they are spending their money on beer, porno, lottery ticket, hookers, or Madonna CD's and 4) Nobody still uses dollar coins no matter how many times the government tries to introduce them into circulation.  I don't get it: there's supposedly not enough money to provide all Americans with affordable healthcare, yet the government keeps printing coins that no one will use.  In fact, the only way I can see dollar coins ever catching on with the general public is when the paper dollar is removed from circulation.  I can't see Congress banning the paper dollar.  After all, the paper dollar slides so much better down women's panties than the dollar coins do.  Now, there could be some interest in this series.  If you like an obscure president, like Taylor, Tyler, Van Buren, Harding, or Ford, then you'll finally be able to see them on a coin.  Of course, the program only covers dead presidents, so Obama won't be on a coin, which will probably make you either very sad or very happy.
    • The Lincoln's 200th Birthday Pennies - Yes, even the lowly penny get it's own program.  Ole Abe Lincoln turns 200 this year (damn, he's old), and to celebrate the government is printing up special pennies featuring various scenes from his life.  These pennies don't seem to be as popular as the 50 state quarter program, even though pennies are extremely common in our money.  I guess it's because a penny can't buy anything anymore.  The only thing interesting one can do with a penny besides spend it is get it smashed into a souvenir via one of those pennies crushing machines that you see at every tourist attraction.  What better way to relive the memory of riding the Hulk at Universal Islands of Adventure than by betting a smashed penny with a picture of the hulk and a roller coaster on it.  Well, besides re-riding the Hulk over and over again.  And believe me, any coaster ran will want to ride the Hulk over and over and over again, it's that good.  Though getting a smashed penny really didn't help relive the memory of falling off of the Goliath at Six Flags over Georgia.  IT seems you can get smashed pennies everywhere.  The Bugspit Museum of Farts probably has a machine that will turn your pennies into a work of art.  Now, I wonder if these new pennies will mess up the designs on the smashed pennies?  I really should try that out one day.
         Well, that's all I have for today.  Until next time, if you're upset that your dollar coins lack "In God We Trust" on the front of them, you can send them to me.  Oh, and the team that I was rooting for lost the hockey game.

Thursday, 05 November 2009

  • The Adentures of Jimbimbob (Part 1)

    [Note: this is my first attempt at writing humor fiction on here.  For those who remember my pulse from the other day, this is the "something different" that I was talking about.  I was inspired to try my hand at writing fiction after reading the Writing Badly Well Blogspot and talking to a couple of friends on Twitter about it.  Keep in mind that I am trying to write badly well, not write well and that my story is designed to be humorous more so than good.  With all that in mind, enjoy!   -Rob of the Sky]

         It was a stormy morning.  For many, stormy mornings are something to be dreaded, as the traffic on the freeway is usually worse on a morning like this.  Yet, Jimbimbob has even more of a reason to dread this morning: he woke up with a hangnail.  Jimbimbob looks at his hangnail and the rain that is falling outside his window and realizes that the rain is a perfect symbol for the misfortune that is his hangnail. 
         Misfortune is a good description of Jimbimbob's life.  Being short, bald, and overweight, Jimbimbob didn't exactly win life's looks lottery.  His upbringing was not always pleasant as his parents were heavy drinkers and seem to drink at the most inopportune moments.  In fact, the reason that Jimbimbob has his name was because his parents were drunk when they told the hospital the name of their newborn.  His parents wanted to name him Jimmy Bob, but Jimbimbob came out instead and the rest is history.  That was 35 years ago.  Today, Jimbimbob is working at a big box retailer.  As far as his love life goes, Jimbimbob has none.  He is a 35 year old virgin, and sometimes resents that fact.  He would like to meet women to date and such, but he freezes up when he is near women and ends up stuttering when he talks to them.  It doesn't help that he isn't the brightest star in the sky.  Jimbimbob barely finished high school and was not college material.  In fact, Jimbimbob was so dumb that he used to claim that his favorite Christian rock band was Genesis.  Genesis is not a Christian rock band however.  Genesis is a British prog-rock band that later became more of a soft rock band as the years went by and front man Phil Collins became an adult contemporary superstar.  Jimbimbob figured that Genesis must've been a Christian rock band because it is named for the first book of the Bible.  It wasn't until he heard the song "Jesus He Knows Me", which makes fun of televangalists, that he realized that Genesis wasn't a Christian rock band. 
         After checking out his hangnail on that rainy morning, Jimbimbob got ready and went to work.  After driving through that terrible and horrible traffic thanks to the foggy, dreary, rainy, stormy morning, Jimbimbob arrived at the giant, enormous, huge, gigantic, ginarmous, super-sized big box retailer for another long day of rude, loudmouth, idiotic, spoiled, ungrateful, angry, hateful, mad, and dreadful customers that retail stores seem to attract like flies to a zapper.  However, not all of the people who interact with Jimbimbob are a nightmare.  In fact, there is this one lady who comes to the store every Tuesday that Jimbimbob quite enjoys.  Every time she comes to the store, she gets in Jimbimbob's checkout line and makes small talk with him.  She's been coming to the store and making small talk with Jimbimbob for about a year or so, yet Jimbimbob doesn't know her name. 
         On the other side of town, Rob of the Sky is in his multimillion dollar mansion, making out with his hot super-model wife when he heard a cry for help.  He knew it was up to him to answer this cry for help for he is Captain Cool, the coolest superhero to ever live.  Rob of the Sky changed into his Captain Cool costume and hopped in his Bentley to find where that call for help came from.  He finds where the cry for help came from: a little girl who's cat is stuck in a tree and won't come down.  So Captain Cool defies the laws of gravity for no known reason and flies up to grab the cat from the tree, then safely floats back to earth.  The little girls says "Wow!  Thanks Cap'n Cool for rescuing my wittle Fwuffy" to which Captain Cool replies "Just doing my job".  Then Captain Cool hops back into his Bentley, drives back to his mansion, changes back into Rob of the Sky, and makes out with his drop-dead beautiful wife.
         Meanwhile Jimbimbob is experiencing a typical day at work.  He deals with nice customers, rude customers, customers with annoying kids, and even a customer with a little girl who was buying a new flea collar for her "wittle fwuffy", whatever that is.  However, today's his favorite day of the week, despite rude customers and his hangnail, because his favorite customer will probably come today, like she goes to that store every Tuesday.  All day long he has been mustering up the courage to ask her name and maybe even number.  He has determined that today is the day he is finally going to find out her name.  He looks down the checkout line and sees that she's about to check out.  "It's now or never", Jimbimbob says to himself, "Showtime".

    To be continued...

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Saturday, 24 October 2009

  • It's a Craze of Cartoons (Now with 10% More Nostalgia)

         The current topic on Featured Grownups is about taking a walk down memory lane and releasing my inner child by reminiscing about the cartoons that I used to watch.  Being that I was born in the mid-80's, I was a child when 24-hour childrens networks like Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network were starting up, while Saturday morning was still a wonderful time for cartoons.  Thus, I had plenty of opportunities to rot my brain.  And rot my brain I did.  I watched a good many cartoons in my youth.  Saturday morning was the morning for cartoons, as all the networks had cartoons.  ABC, CBS, Fox, The Weather Channel, the all had cartoons.  Except for The Weather Channel.  Many of the cartoons were cartoon versions of popular movies such as Back to the Future or The Mask.  There were some original creations on Saturday morning, my favorite of which was Garfield and Friends.  As I enjoy infringing on copyrights, here's a clip from Garfield and Friends:


         Cartoons weren't limited to Saturday.  I used to watch classic cartoons like Looney Tunes, Tom and Jerry, Yogi Bear, Rocky and Bullwinkle, The Flinstones, and The Jetsons.  Ah, Bugs Bunny, what a classic character.  Here's a classic Bugs Bunny clip:


         While channels like TBS and TNT used to have the aforementioned classic cartoons, they did get a couple of new cartoons like Two Stupid Dogs and Swat Cats.  Once the Turner Company spun off their cartoons into Cartoon Network, their classic cartoons moed to that channel and eventually new programing such as Dexter's Labratory, Johnny Bravo, and The Powerpuff Girls.  One of the cartoons I really liked was Two Stupid Dogs.  I like the classic line of "Isn't that cute.  BUT IT'S WRONG!!!!".  Here's a clip of Two Stupid Dogs:


         Nickelodeon came out with their Nicktoons when I was young.  I got to enjoy shows like Doug, Rugrats, Ren & Stimpy, Rocko's Modern Life, Ahhhh Real Monsters, and The Angry Beavers.  Here's a couple of clips from Rocko's Modern Life:


         Of course, cartoons weren't just limited to the day time.  Cartoons started to return to primetime when I was young, with The Simpsons basically being Fox's first killer app.  I still enjoy watching new episodes of the show to this day.  It has been one of the constants in my everchanging life.  I enjoyed the show as a child, and I still enjoy it as an adult.  Anyway, here's a clip:


         Now I will wrap up by showing a clip from the show I'm currently watching: Family Guy!:


         Well, that's all I have for today.  I hope you enjoyed this walk down memory lane.  Stay tuned for another entry next time on Rob of the Sky's Xanga site!

         Click here to go back to Cartoon Craze on Featured-Grownups!

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

  • The "Joys" of Finding a Job (Part 2)

         If you recall, last time I blogged about finding a job via teh internets.  I had remarked that getting a job had almost nothing to do with education, experience, good references, or the number of $20s you attach to your resume.  Instead, getting a job is very much based on bull shitting.  Now, applying to job ads is just one part of getting a job.  To get many (if not most) jobs, an interview is required.  Now you may be thinking that the interview involves being yourself and not bull shitting.  Well, isn't that cute.  BUT IT'S WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The job interview requires even more bullshiting.  In my experience, there have been two main styles of job interviews, the group interview and the individual interview.  Both of which I will outline...........now.
         The first major type of job interviews is the group interview.  As the name implies, this type of interview is done in a group setting.  This apparently saves the company the time to interview each of the applicants.  After all, time is money.  Many of these interviews consist of a sales pitch similar to those fund raising presentations that are far too common in public school.  I'm sure many of you remember school fund raisers.  Heck, some of you are probably still stuck having to do them.  Anyway, remember the sales pitch the companies would use to get you to participate?  IT was something along the lines of sell x products and get y prize!  So of course, you (read: your parents) sell useless crap that nobody really wants anyway in order to get a slinky that would've set you back a couple of bux at any general merchandiser store.  But that slinky is oh so special because you didn't just buy it, you earned it.  Of course, you could earn a slinky by playing several rounds of Skee-Ball at the arcade, and given the choice between pestering my friends and family to buy useless crap that they don't really want and will never use or playing in the arcade, I'd choose arcade 10 out of 10 times.  Anyway, the point is that many group interviews have the same feel as those fund raising presentations.  Only, instead of slinkies that you'll only play with a couple of times and never touch again, the prize involved is money.  You'll hear of how all it takes is 15 sales a week to get a six figure income.  Of course, they'll mention about this one guy in Bugtussle, Alabama who made 2 million bux just doing the "business" out of his house.  Oh yeah, they'll talk about how it is not a job, but rather how it is "owning your own business".  Now, if I wanted to own a business I sure as hell would not have a boss.  I mean, isn't one of the reasons to start a business is to be one's own boss?  Anyway, what they won't tell you is that said "business opportunity" costs a lot of time and money to even break even, mustless earn any money.  I mean, isn't one of the reason to get a job is to make money?  The time spent at one of these "business opportunities" could be better spent playing Skee-Ball at the arcade.  At least you can get a slinky in the process.
         The second type of job interview is the more traditional individual interview.  This is where a hiring manager asks the candidate questions to determine the candidate's personality.  After all the interviews are over, the powers that be hire the candidate who was the best bull shitter.  Now, there are some questions that seem to be in all job interviews and there are no right answers.  However, there are plenty of wrong answers.  The first question that many interviewers seem to ask is "did you find the place alright?"  Usually the interviewer asks this question if the place is located in the middle of nowhere.  Sometimes the place can be hard to find if the directions are like "go down the road until you see a building.  Turn onto the paved road located near the building and go down the road until you spot some grass, then turn downed the paved road.  Follow that until you see a sign saying 'speed limit 55' and the place will be to the side of the road".  Another question that interviewers tend to ask is "tell us about yourself".  Now is not the time to mention that DUI you got on New Year's Eve.  In fact, for this question you have to bullshit your way into thinking that you're better than sliced bread.  Another question they may ask is "why did you leave your last position?"  Odds are, you were probably laid off so that the CEO would have enough money to give himself a bonus on top of his billions that he already has (God bless America).  However, that answer will guarantee that you remain unemployed and possibly impotent.  Instead, mention something about how you outgrew the old job or something of that nature.  Another question that the interviewer is likely to ask is "why are you interested in this position?"  Never say you want it for the money, even if the only reason you want the entry-level telemarketing job is because it actually pays American money as opposed to scrit.  Instead, you bullshit and say something like how telemarketing is your dream job.  And if telemarketing really is your dream job, more power to you.  Another question that you'll be likely to hear in a job interview is "what are some of your strengths?"  They want the strengths to be relevant to the job.  You may be able to unlock the Top Secret Area in Super Mario World, but unless your applying to either a video game store that sells classic games or Nintendo of America in the early '90's, you don't mention it as a strength.  And no being fashionably late is not a strength.  The next question will likely be "what are some of your weaknesses?"  Now, they don't want to know your real weaknesses.  This is the biggest bullshit question in most job interviews, as it usually requires positive traits be spun to be negative.  Something like "I'm too punctual" would work.  Something like "I like to masturbate" doesn't work, even if it is a true weakness.  The final question of almost all interviews is "do you have any questions?"  Every source of career advice says that you should never answer the question with "no".  Actually, now would be the best time to ask more about the job you are applying to.  Just don't ask how to unlock the Top Secret Area in Super Mario World.  Well, that's all I have for today.  Until next time, I'll be unlocking the Top Secret Area in Super Mario World.

Friday, 09 October 2009

  • The "Joys" of Finding a Job (Part 1)

         By "joys", I mean frustrations.  In this down economy, job hunting is all too common of an event for people such as myself.  Everyday job seekers must sift through dozens of job openings in hopes that their dream job, or any job at all, is around the corner.  Yet job hunting is one of the most fruitless tasks one can do.  The average job seeker must endure dozens, if not hundreds, of rejections before hearing that elusive yes to a job that probably wasn't your ideal when you first began job hunting.  Now, you might think that your skills, previous work history, or college diploma will help you in getting a job.  However, all of those things are useless.  Getting a job is entirely based on how well you bull shit.  That's it.  Being able to bull shit potential employers into giving you that job is how the job hunting process works.  Now, you're not the only party who is doing the bull shitting.  Too many job opportunities try to out bull shit the people bull shitting them to get them to work a very bull shittery job.  They usually put out job ads that sound much better than the job really is.  In fact, here's a psudo-chart of what potential employers say and what they really mean:

    What potential employers say:
    1.Have an exciting career in sanitation engineering!    
    2.Earn unlimited income!
    3.Work for a Fortune 500 company!
    4.No experience needed!
    5.Hiring immediately!
    6.Don't miss out on this business opportunity!
    7.We will review your resume and contact you if interested.
    8.We appreciate you interest in the company...
    9.However, we've given the job to someone who better suits our needs.

    What they really mean:
    1.You'll be a garbageman.
    2.Work long hours for little money and no benefits.
    3.Though we aren't one.
    4.We can pay less!
    5.We hire anyone who will pay us.
    6.This is a pyramid scheme.
    7.We'll barely glance at your resume before throwing it away.
    8.Why did you waste our time applying here.
    9.Go fuck yourself.

         Now that I've become the bane of every employers' existence, I'm going to talk about the various job postings that an average job seeker might run into online.  You see, the internet has more than just porn and more porn.  There are some websites devoted to job hunting, like Monster, Careerbuilder, and Craigslist.  These sites save the job seeker from driving around trying to find help wanted signs in an economy where there are more store closing signs than help wanted signs.  However, there are some job ads of dubious value on these sites.  The first type of job ad with dubious value is the job ad that requires tons of qualifications for little pay.  An exaple of such a job post would be:

    Position requires a PhD in Astrophysics, 40 years of sanitation engineering experience, familiarity with Microsoft Office, C++, HTML, BASIC, and Commodore 64 technology.  Pay is $8 an hour.

           With these job ads, it's like the employer doesn't want to hire anyone for the position.  In fact, I wonder if people are posting fake jobs for the reason of giving people's hopes up.  Anyway, another type of job posting that really grinds my gears is the type of job posting that doesn't actually say what the job is, like so:

    No experience!  No problem!  We welcome recent college grads!  You'll be promoted to your own office in months!  Paid training!

         These job ads make it seem like they are offering an exciting job in marketing.  Yet, they are usually glorified door-to-door sells job, selling coupon books to random businesses in the area.  I'm not making that up.  I also like how these jobs advertise that training is paid.  Really?  You mean I can get paid for my time and labor?  Wow, and here I though I was supposed to work for free.  Maybe there would be an economic system developed around the concept of being paid to work.  Maybe the money one makes from working can be used to purchase goods and services.  Perhaps this economic system could be called Capitalism.  It might catch on.  Nah, it's too radical of an idea.  Anyway, the final type of job posting I'll be focusing on is the job posting with typos.  Now, it is important to have absolutely no typos in your resume.  All the job hunt help sites tell you not to have typos in your resume.  It is bad for you to have typos in your resume.  There is nothing worse than having typos in your resume.  Having typos in your resume will prevent you from getting a job and getting laid.  If you have any typos in your resume whatsoever, you are worse than Hitler, Stalin, and Walt Disney put together.  FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DO NOT HAVE ANY TYPOS IN YOUR RESUME.  At this point, you're probably wishing that I'd shut up about not having typos in your resume.  Yet, I did that to make a point, which is that everybody who's career is in helping people find jobs will tell you that the number one sure fire way that you will not get a job is to have typos in your resume.  That's unfortunately not to say that a typo free resume will land you a job.  Remember, bull shitting is what lands you a job.  However, typos in the resume can't be corrected via bull shit.  Anyway, it really grinds my gears when I see job ads with typos.  I'm like "wow, there's a typo in this job ad.  Now, I am required to have a typo free resume, but they have a typo on their job ad.  That makes me want to apply there...NOT!" or in the style of Borat "that makes me want to apply there not."  I'd give an example, but my post is already becoming too long.  So now I will end this post before it suffers from tl;dr-ism.  Stay tuned for part 2 of The "Joys" of Finding a Job, where I will talk about job interviews.  Until them, peace out!

Wednesday, 07 October 2009

Wednesday, 30 September 2009

  • Salute to a Commenter

         Well, thanks to everyone who commented on my last post.  You all left wonderful comments that I really need to respond to.  However, there was one comment in particular that moved me in a way that I've never been moved before in my life.  The comment in question was:

    (-_-)WATCH MY FREE VIDEOS JUST FOR FREE=CLICK HERE=(-_-)<img
    (-_-)WATCH MY FREE VIDEOS JUST FOR FREE=CLICK HERE=(-_-)<img
    (-_-)WATCH MY FREE VIDEOS JUST FOR FREE=CLICK HERE=(-_-)<img
    (-_-)WATCH MY FREE VIDEOS JUST FOR FREE=CLICK HERE=(-_-)<img
    (-_-)WATCH MY FREE VIDEOS JUST FOR FREE=CLICK HERE=(-_-)<img
    (-_-)WATCH MY FREE VIDEOS JUST FOR FREE=CLICK HERE=(-_-)<img

         All I can say is wow.  Someone must like me enough to send me free videos.  And here I was paying for videos like a sucker.  IT was such an unexpected surprise to get links to free videos.  As if this Xangan wasn't already kind enough to share free videos with me, they left six, count 'em six, lines of the same link to the free videos.  I mean, how thoughtful do you got to be to leave six lines of the same link?  Most people I know only leave one line to a link.  The problem is that I might miss the link and thus be out in the cold when my friends talk about the latest Homestarrunner.com cartoon that was in that link.  But posting the same link six times?  Brilliant!  I also get free emoticons per link.  I don't know what emotion they are supposed to convey, but hey, at least there's emotion.  Also, this Xangan was kind enough to leave open HTML tags.  Ya see, I get self conscious when I <span style="font-style: i;" royally </sarcasm? screw up my HTML on here.  However, seeing others screw up the HTML really makes me feel better about my lack of internets experience.  I do not know what image this Xangan wanted to post, but whatever it was, I sure it was wonderful.  However, words cannot totally describe how I feel about this comment.  Thus I have utilized the POWER of Youtube to post music videos that better explain how moved I was.  This song describes how I felt before reading that comment:



    You see, before I just didn't care anymore.  After reading that comment, my outlook became more like this:



    After reading that comment, I started to care.  In fact, I cared so much for the homeless of the world that I watched a music video with the message of the song dealing with homelessness.  I mean, I could I care more?  Well, besides actually doing something about homelessness.  Anyway, that's all I have for today.  Until next time, remember what happens when you leave spam on my site!

Thursday, 24 September 2009

  • My Top Ten Favorite Xangans in the Whole Wide World!

         Hello all and welcome to my first post since the Xanga King contest.  For those of you who haven't heard, I did not win.  However, I did give myself the lesser title of Xanga Prime Minister, which comes with double prize money, so it's all good.  The first thing I did as Xanga Prime Minister was that I drove my Chevy to the levy but the levy was overflowing with water thanks to the recent rains.  Since I did not want to washed downstream, I decided to leave the levy and blog instead.  For today's post, I decided to do the whole top ten bloggers thing that's been somewhat popular on Xanga lately.  So here goes:

    1. Rob_of_the_Sky: What can I say, I like everything about this site.  This is the best page in the Universe.  Now, a guy named Maddox claims to have the best page in the Universe, however his page is only the second best in the Universe (if that high).  Plus, he only seems to update his site once a year or so, whereas Rob_of_the_Sky updates several times a month.  So yeah, take that!
    2. Rob_of_the_Sky: Well, it looks like Rob_of_the_Sky takes the second spot as well.  However, he is so awesome that it is only appropriate for him to take the top two spots.
    3. Rob_of_the_Sky: The judges all agree: Rob_of_the_Sky really does deserve all of the top three spots.  Even the mean British guy from American Idol said so.
    4-10. Rob_of_the_Sky: In the interest of saving this post from tl;dr-ism, I have decided to put all of the 4th through 10th top Xangans into one point.  It looks like Rob_of_the_Sky gets all ten spots.  Sounds about right.

    So there you have it, my picks for my top ten favorite Xangans.  While these are my top ten favorite Xangans, there are other Xangans who are great but didn't quite make the cut.  That doesn't make them bad Xangans or anything, it just means that I couldn't list all my favorite Xangans.  I had to stick with just ten, ya know.  Well, that's it for today.  Oh, and the term tl;dr-ism is mine.  I have coined it on this blog.  Just remember that.

Monday, 21 September 2009

  • Finally the Final Round of the King Contest Where a Final Winner Will Finally be Crowned

         So as you may or may not know, I have made it to the third and final round of the Most Awesome Dude on Xanga Competition.  If you are just joining, here's a recap of what's happened so far.  For round one, the contestants had to make a sign with their username and Xanga King 2009 on it, make a pic of a representation of their username, and answer a series of five questions pick out by the judges.  After getting the 9th most amount of votes (and thus barely getting into the top 10), I moved on to round two.  For round two, each contestant had to design a crown and a sash, as well as write a letter to himself, either in the past, in the present, or in the future, and must have included some advice to the letter writer based on his past, present, or future self or actions.  After getting the 4th most amount of votes (and loving being next to the last contestant before the cutoff), I have earned the right to compete in the final round.  Before I move on to the content of the final round, I want to thank everyone who has voted for me and supported me throughout this contest.  You guys (well gals) are awesome.  Now without further ado I shall move on to round three.  For round three, the contestants must post what they believe constitutes a blogger and must explain why they are a blogger.  Also, there is an optional talent section for this round where the contestant may use an audio sample, a video sample, or a writing sample to showcase his talents.  With all that in mind, I'll go ahead and start with answering the question of what is a blogger.

    What defines a blogger?

    Well, the technical definition of a blogger is one who blogs.  In reality that's pretty much the only consistant thing that unifies all bloggers.  Blogging is an art.  Bloggers are to blogging as artists are to art.  All of us who blog do it for their own personal reasons.  Some people blog to keep up with their friends.  Others blogs to share advice with other people.  Some bloggers enjoy focusing their blogs on heated topics such as politics and/or religion.  There are some who use blogging as a medium to share their poetry and/or short stories.  Still others enjoy using their blogs to entertain their audience with humorous observations and rants.  Some people blog because it's their jobs.  For many, blogging is used a a journal or diary, detailing their days and problems in their lives.  None of these approaches to blogging are wrong or right.  There is no correct or incorrect way to blog.  Thus bloggers are individuals.  They are unique, each and every one of them.  With all that in mind, I shall move on to why I am a blogger.

    Why am I a blogger?

    Why not?  Okay, so I shouldn't answer a question with a question.  Well, my purpose for blogging has changed over my 4 and a half year journey on Xanga.  I started Xanga because many of my friends were on it and I wanted to keep up with their lives.  This was back in the days when Facebook was in it's infancy, and was only available to people at certain colleges.  In my early blogging days, I limited my blogging audience to my friends that I went to high school with (as they were the people that I wanted to keep up with but couldn't always talk to them as we all went our on seperate ways after high school).    Most of my early entries were basically rants about my day.  Some of them were funny.  Others were designed to be serious, as I was upset at the time of writing those particular posts.  I used txt speak in the beginning, lol.  Over time my blogging style and purpose had change.  I found out that many of my friends at college had Xanga and so my audience grew to both my high school and college friends.  Eventually most of my high school friends abandoned Xanga, mostly for Facebook and Myspace.  Eventually my audience became my college friends and my subject matter gradually went from mostly personal blogs about my day to more cometic observations.  Eventually many of my college friends abandonded Xanga (though I still have a few college friends who still read my blog after all these years), and I decided to open myself up to the Xanga community.  As most of my posts at that point were comedic in nature, I decided that my blog would probably be well received by the Xanga community.  Looks like I was right.  Now, I am a blogger because I want to entertain others, I am a blogger beacuse I enjoying meeting people on here that I can make some connections with, and I am a blogger because, well I enjoy blogging.  Now I will move on to the final part of this round.

    The all important optional swimsuit talent competition!

    If you recall from the introduction, the talent part of this round can include an audio recording, a video, or a writing sample that shows off my talents.  I'm using two of the aforementioned methods to show off my talents.  The first item up for bids, er um showcase of my talents is an audio promo that I made about you voting for me for Xanga King.  The audio sample is a cross between a movie trailer done in the style of the late Don LaFontaine and a typical political ad that appears during election season in the United States.  So here it is for your enjoyment:

    For my second (and better) sample of my talent, as I stink at singing, I don't have the equipment to create a decent video (I have a webcam, but a webcam isn't too good at creating a good talent video), I can't dance, I can't talk, the only thing about me is the way that I walk, I decided to use a writing sample.  Now, some of you may not know this, but I was a writer for my college newspaper during my senior year of college.  What inspired me to write for the school newspaper was my blogging here on Xanga.  While I wrote a variety of articles in the paper, my main claim to fame so to speak was my work on the opinion page.  Most of my opinion articles were basically humorous observations similar to Dave Barry's articles (but not as well polished).   The postitve reception that I got from my work on the opinion page was one of the inpirations for my decision to open my blog up to the general Xanga community.  So with all that in mind, I am going to present what was considered my best article by both the opinion editor and one of the editors in cheif that I wrote during my time with the college newspaper.  Now, it's a bit out of season, as it's about a certain Valentine's Day candy.  However, I think it's worth a few laugh and showcases my talent well.  So here it is in all it's glory:


    For over a century Conversation Hearts have been a cultural aspect of Valentine's Day.  The little hearts that come in six colors and many little sayings have captured the hearts of millions on Valentine's Days of years past.  Conversation Hearts have become so popular that they appear in several TV shows pertaining to Valentine's Day specials.  One of the most well known shows to feature Conversation Hearts is Futurama.  In a famous episode of Futurama, The Planet Express Crew has to deliver a billion Conversation Hearts to the planet Omicron Persei VIII so that the Omicronians do not attack Earth.  Unfortunately, Lrrr, the ruler of Omicron Persei VIII, does not like the Conversation Hearts.  He finds them chalky and unpleasant, and does not understand the meaning of the word "wuv" of his Conversation heart that says "I wuv U".  This leads Lrrr to quote one of the best Valentine's Day's lines ever: "This concept of 'wuv' confuses and infuriates us!"  Recently having bought some Conversation Hearts myself, I found that Lrrr was not that far off in his confusion.  Without further ado, I present Conversation Hearts that confuse (yet may not infuriate) me.

     

    Marry Me: While not a confusing Heart per se, it would seem like a completely cheesy and tacky way to propose.  While most marriage proposals involve getting down on one knee, this Conversation Heart takes tradition and ditches it for lameness.  I'd hate to be the girl who gets proposed to by a Conversation Heart.  What would she tell her friends and family?  Ah, well, moving on…

     

    Dream On: The first thing I thought of when I first read this Heart was the Aerosmith song of the same name.  Actually, this is a depressing Conversation Heart.  I mean, dream on sounds like a cruel rejection message to someone trying to get a date with a person out of their league.  I'd imagine the person asking for the date would be like, "So, would you like to grab some coffee sometime?" and the other person would be like, "Dream on, loser".  The worst use of this Conversation Heart would be in conjunction with the marry me Conversation Heart.  Some guy would use the "Marry Me" Heart, and the girls would cruelly use the "Dream On" heart.

     

    My Boy/Girl Friend: These Hearts seem to pander to the lonely on Valentine's Day.  Most of you reading this have probably had a Valentine's Day or two (or 20) where you did not have a boyfriend/girlfriend.  Yet, it takes a really desperate person to be convinced that the Conversation Heart is an actual substitute for a significant other.  In that case, one does not need a boyfriend/girlfriend.  One needs professional help.

     

    I ♥ You: What is this emotion of ♥?  Is this Heart supposed to mean "I love you" or "I heart you"?  Given the fact that it uses ♥, I conclude that the Heart says "I heart you".  It's good to know that I'm hearted by a Conversation Heart.

     

    Melt my ♥: Well, now we know for sure what the previous Conversation Heart means.  I wouldn't want a melting heart though.  I would think that a melting heart would be a medical emergency that would require immediate care.

    Fax/Email Me: Here's an interesting concept: take the emotion of love, one of the most powerful emotions that a human can feel, and turn it into a business transaction.  I mean, who uses fax machines for romantic purposes?  I could see e-mails being used for a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, but not fax machines.  However, IMing and texting seem to be the popular ways of informal communication these days.  Where are the "IM Me" or "Text Me" Conversation Hearts that the 21st century so desperately needs?

     

    ILU: How did International Leadership University (see www.ilu.edu) get their own Conversation Heart?  Why has the Necco Corporation, the producer of Conversation Hearts, not shared the love to other colleges and universities?  Wouldn't it be cool to have MU conversation hearts?  What about UGA, UF, GT, FSU, LSU, UCLA, SPSU, etc?  Why is it that ILU gets special treatment while the rest of these colleges get no Conversation Heart for Valentine's Day?  Something doesn't seem right here.

     

    Dear Heart: Thanks for regulating the blood flow of my body.  Without you, heart, I'd surely die.  Sincerely, some person.

     

    Get my Drift: This Conversation Heart is a bit, er, suggestive, if you get my drift.

     

    Sweet Home: I think they forgot to add the word "Alabama".  Lame jokes aside, this Conversation Heart really doesn't make any sense.  How is "Sweet Home" relevant to Valentine's Day?  In fact, what does "Sweet Home" actually mean?  I can't make heads or tails of this Conversation Heart.

     

    Nature Lover: At first, I thought this Heart was a typo that was supposed to say "natural lover".  While "natural lover" would make sense for Valentine's Day, "Nature Lover" seems irrelevant to the holiday.  I would think that "Nature Lover" would be more appropriate on Earth Day or Arbor Day.  Perhaps the Necco Corporation has plans to expand their Conversation candy to Earth Day.  After all, there are Conversation Eggs for Easter.  Earth Day would be a good holiday to have Conversation Earths, which would be merely circular candy with red text on them that says crazy things like "Nature Lover".

     
                It seems like after over a century of producing Conversation Hearts, the Necco Corporation has been running out of good message ideas.  Then again, even the wittiest of people have their lame days.  Lrrr may have been confused and infuriated by the "I Wuv U" Conversation Heart, but he would have been even more confused and more infuriated had he seen some of these Conversation Heats.  So enjoy your Conversation Hearts, and have a good laugh at their corny messages.



         Well, I know this post was a bit on the lengthy side, and I appreciate your patience for reading this far down.  Before I wrap thigs up, however, I have a couple of things to tell you that relate to voting in this round.  Voting doesn't begin until midnight Central time on Monday September 21st (that's 1 AM Eastern, 11 PM on Sunday the 20th Mountain, and 10 PM on Sunday Pacific).  So if you have already voted, it doesn't count and you need to wait until Monday.  Also, voting ends at 5 PM Central on Monday (6 PM Eastern, 4 PM Mountain, 3 PM Pacific), so that gives you a 17 hour window to get your vote in.  With all that in mind, happy voting!

    You know what to do

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

  • The Most Awesome Dude on Xanga Part Two Entry (100% Kayne West Free)

         So as many of you know, I am entered in the Most Awesome Dude on Xanga Competition (also known as the Xanga King contest).  As I somehow made it to round two, I am here posting my entry for that round.  For the rules of round two of the Xanga King contest, as well as to vote for me, click here.  For the second round, I have to design and post a crown and sash, as well as write a letter to myself for some odd reason.  I mean, I would know what the letter said when I read it because I wrote it.  Anyway, I'll start with the pics and end with the letter.  Now, before I reveal my pics, I must confess that I suck at art.  I can't draw a straight line with a ruler.  When it comes to arts and crafts Rob of the Sky struggles to even make something that resembles anything.  Due to my poor arts and crafts skills (as well as the lack of crowns at Burger King), I decided to make my crown and sash via computer instead.  So without further ado, here's the crown:
    Crown
         As you can see, I decided that my crown should be more than just pretty headgear.  On that end, I have included a number of features to soup up the traditional crown.  After all, If I become king, I should have several luxuries at the tips of my fingers.  Thus my crown comes with features such as:
    • My name in a cool Star Wars font that I don't know how it got onto my computer but I am glad it did.
    • Spiky top because crowns have spiky tops for some reason.
    • Cup holders on each side because a king should never have to hold his Vanilla Coke.
    • Straws so that I can drin the Vanilla Cokes I have in my royal cup holders.
    • Microphone so that I can say my commands louder than I could just yelling.
    • Speaker so that people can hear what I say into the mike, as well as play music based on my mood.
    • Television that can be moved around so that I can watch the Soup Nazi deny George his soup because George asked for bread while I drive at the same time.
    • Satelite so that I don't miss when Homer becomes Mr. Plow and plows the whole city of Springfield until Barney becomes the Plow King and takes much of Homer's business.
    • DVD in case there's nothing on tv and I can pop in a DVD and watch Peggy skydive only to find out that her parachute doesn't open.
    • Lazor guns that can rotate in all 360 degrees because lazor guns kick ass.
    • 10 year/100,000 mile warranty.
    • And more, all on a portable 58 pound hat.
    So yeah, that's one kickass crown.  Unfortuately, I don't have the money to build the actual thing.  Does the technology even exist to build it?  Anyway, now that my explanation for the crown is complete, I shall move on to the sash:
    Sash
        Like the crown, I designed the sash via computer.  I decided to show off two sides of the sash for creativity purposes.  The front of the sash is merely my future title, my name, and the year all in that kick ass Star Wars font.  The back of the sash is a bit more unique.  Ya see, the only time I have ever worn a sash in real life is when I was in the Boy Scouts.  The key feature of a boy scout sash are the merit badges.  In that vein, I have decided to include merit badges on my sash.  These "merit badges" however are based on stuff you do on Xanga.  So heres an explanation of the merit badges in order from top left to bottom right:
    • The Xanga merit badge - earned by writing about Xanga.
    • The flamer merit badge - earned by flaiming someones Xanga site.
    • The red & blue merit badge - earned by writing about politics on Xanga.
    • The checkered flag merit badge - earned by writing about race.
    • The "1st place" merit badge - earned by entering a contest on Xanga.
    • The gravestone merit badge - earned by writing about the topic du jour that has been done to death (ex. burkas).
    • The bashing merit badge - earned by completely bashing someone's Xanga site, their beliefs, etc.
    • The completely generic looking mouse that looks nothing like a popular mouse from a large cartoon company merit badge - earned by violating international copyright laws.
    • The carrot merit badge - earned by posting thinspo pics or writing pro-ana blogs.
    • The tv merit badge - earned by doing xtv.
    • The cross merit badge - earned by getting in a debate about religion (there would be several designes for this merit badge to cover every major religion or lack there of).
    • The merit badge merit badge - earned by earning a merit badge.  Redundancy ftw!
         So that's my crown and sash.  If you're feeling this blog, you can vote for me here.  Remember you can vote for up to two contestants, so if it comes down to me and one other person, you can vote for the both of us in this round.  Also, keep in mind that you have until Friday, September 18th at 1 PM Eastern, 12 PM Central to vote. 

    But wait, there's more!

         Part of the second round of this contest is to write a letter to myself.  This letter to myself can be written to me in the past, me right now, or me in the future.  I have chosen to write to me in the past, specifically me around August 2006.  I promise to keep it short, as this blog is already feeling like a dissertation.  So without further ado, here's my letter to myself:

    To: Rob of the Sky August 2006
    From: Rob of the Sky September 2009

    Dear Mr. of the Sky,
         I hope you enjoyed your day at Six Flags.  There's nothing better than a day at an amusement park with some of your closest friends.  Closing the day with dinner at a Mexican restaurant just makes the day even better.  Now, I know while you and your friends are eating at the Mexican restaurant you all come up with ideas as to how the day at Six Flags could be the worst possible day that can happen there, as to make one of your friends' girlfriend feel better about not being able to come with.  One of the ideas that you come up with is falling off of The Goliath (which for those of you who don't know, The Goliath was the newest coaster at the time at Six Flags Over Georgia).  You decide to post that you fell off of the Goliath on your Xanga (as well as your Live Journal, which is now defunct, and your MySpace, which is practically defunct) which can be found here.  There are some things I must tell you that will happen as the result of you posting that.
         The first result of posting that you fell off of a roller coaster is that some people will really believe that you fell off of a roller coaster.  Sure, if you really fell off of The Goliath it would be all over the local news and even on national news.  And sure, if you fell off of a roller coaster the last thing you would want to do is to update all of your sites.  And sure, if you fell off of a coaster, you would probably be dead.  However, that doesn't stop people from believing what you put on the internets.  The second lesson learned is that people will not believe you when you go to another amusement park and not fall off of a roller coaster.  You see, you will go to Universal Orlando during your final Spring Break in 2008.  Sure you wanted to go during you Sophmore year Spring Break but you and your friends cancelled.  And you'll miss out on another potential chance your Junior year Spring Break due to a doctors appointment keeping you from going to Florida with your roommate.  And then you'll get a call five minutes after you last class on the Friday before Spring Break saying that your appointment is being postponed.  So you go to Orlando during your Senior year and ride the Hulk several times without falling off.  Unfortunately, your friends will not believe that you can ride a roller coaster without falling off.  After all, that post about you falling off of the Goliath will become a cornerstone of your Xanga for years to come (or until you open your Xanga up to strangers on the internet, and yes you will open your Xanga up to strangers on the internet).  Finally, if you're going to post about falling off of The Goliath, try not to post photo evidence of you not falling off of the Goliath on Facebook.  And for goodness sakes don't make it your current profile pic on Facebook.  Anyway, take my advice.  Or don't.  It's a free country.

    Sincerely,
    Rob of the Sky

    P.S. Good job keeping that double cheese burger that you had for breakfast down during all those roller coasters. 

    So yeah, that concludes my entry for round two of the Most Awesome Dude on Xanga Competition.  If you've made it this far, you've got a long attention span.  Regardless, I encourage you to vote for me!

    Vote Here And You'll Be My Bestest Friend Forever And Ever!

        

Friday, 11 September 2009

  • I Made it to Round Two!

         So yeah, I made it to round 2 of the Most Awesome Dude on Xanga competition.  I didn't think I was gonna make it.  In fact, I had my concession blog all planned out and everything.  But that'll apparently have to wait.  I want to thanks those who voted for me.  So to randaness, ModernBunny, latrobairitz, mycontinuity, and Drizzles, along with any of the judges who used some of their voted for me, I thank you for your support.  I hope I can count on you all for supporting me during round two.  As for those who did not vote for me in the first round, I hope you consider voting for me in the second round.  So anyway, thanks for the support.  You're all great.

Rob_of_the_Sky

  • Visit Rob_of_the_Sky's Xanga Site
    • Name: Rock Kickass
    • Country: United States
    • State: Georgia
    • Metro: Cartersville
    • Birthday: 10/2/1985
    • Gender: Male
    • Member Since: 2/8/2005
    • True

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  • av112112112
    Part Time Work. Full Time Income. Age Is No Barrier. If you're sick you get paid, if it's a holiday you get paid, if it's raining you get paid! We've got a really, really nice full time income, working just part time from home. WELCOME TO JOIN GDI : http://freedom.ws/a0956110155 I a
  • TheModernBunny
    Yes, yes I am. This has been TheChatboardComment.
  • TheModernBunny
    Happy birthday!
  • alwefak
    hi
    • Posted 9/26/2009 5:16 AM
    • by alwefak
  • mycontinuity
    But not as weird as THIS O_o_O
  • Rob_of_the_Sky
    Yes,it is...o.O
  • kandeldandel
    This is really weird...o.O